October 6, 2014

Wonder



Have you ever gotten to a point in life and realized that you've forgotten? You have forgotten your goals, your dreams, your loves. Things that once brought you joy have faded from vibrant color to black and white. And not in a classic black & white sense. 

Most people call that point "losing it," though it is never defined what "it" is. My "it" has been my self. I didn't lose my mind. I didn't lose all of my confidence. But I misplaced me. I lost sight of me. Who I am. Not what I do, but who I am. 

Growing up, I was always confident in who I was. I knew what I liked and wanted and peer pressure was never an issue. That's probably why the last three years have hit me like a slow-motion ton of bricks. I can pinpoint the day my confidence waned. I can tell you what I was wearing, what I had for lunch, and even what song was in my head that day ("Half Breed" by Cher). You see, I lived off of my confidence. My self worth did not come from other people's words. In my experience, they did not hold much weight. A professional would classify that as a "trust issue." I would agree. 

I was always a dreamer. A classic Bookworm. My mind was better spent in the imaginary world than the real one. I dreamed of places, people, simple things really. Travel, art, music. Things that fed my spirit. Things that made me feel alive. I have always been cautious and relatively timid in personality, so experiencing these things first-hand was never a need. I liked the sideline life and, in fact, preferred it. My mom tells a story of watching me at the water fountain in elementary school. I was first in line, but everyone else pushed and cut in front of me and I just let them go before me. I let them! I hate that story. 

I haven't been that person for a long time. I grew out of my shell, actually spoke in public eventually, and made a conscious effort to get what I wanted. That confidence waning day, though, started bringing that old girl back. The one that did not speak up when someone cut her in line and drank all of the cold water in the fountain. I didn't realize her reappearance until recently, and even then I had no idea. 

Once I graduated college and started my first teaching job, I was okay. I was confident in what I was doing and I was great at it. Later I switched jobs but something was off. Maybe it was the wrong place, the wrong time, but money was needed, of course, so I sucked it up. Long story short, I quit my job mid-semester with no real reason and no prospect or plan of a new one. I had enough money in the bank to live on for a while and figure it out. No big deal, this FUNemployment thing!

After a while, I had a plan! Apply to graduate school in something with the goal of figuring out what I wanted to go into. I spent a few months figuring it out and ended up with a plan that seemed logical. Oh, logic. But I went to school, I learned, and I did what I thought was best at the time. 

Later I realized everything was grey. And coming from a gal who loves to wear grey, it was heartbreaking to suddenly know that you had no idea what color looked like anymore. I hadn't a clue what I wanted. Mostly, though, I had forgotten how to dream. My favorite part about myself. Misplaced. Fogged. Veiled.

Now I have decided to revisit my dream to go find a dream. I have booked my flight, roughly secured my travel plans, and am ready to regain my wonder. I am leaving in a few weeks, trekking solo across continents. I will be in & out over the next couple of months, but follow along on Instagram, Twitter, & Facebook to stay updated with me on a daily basis! 

PS: If anyone has suggestions of must-do's in the areas of Holland, Belgium, & the surrounding countries, send them over to thinktwicestyle@gmail.com! I would love to read them!



No comments:

Post a Comment